Grief Through the Holidays: 5 ways to Find Focus and Meaning through Grief in the Holiday Season

Grief is universal and unique. How you experience it may be different from others experiencing the exact same loss, which can be confusing and isolating. Especially during a season that is supposed to be about love, joy, gratitude and family, though also has an underlying sense of pressure and judgement attached to it. So, how do you ride the immense waves of grief through this holiday season in order to focus on what is meaningful for you?

woman sitting alone in room with Christmas lights looking out window at snowy pine trees

1. Release Judgement

Work to release yourself from judgement. You are not a bad person if you are not feeling festive. Your children will not be irreparably harmed if you are only moderately invested in what is happening. When we tell ourselves (or have internalized what others have told us) about how we are supposed to feel, that just amplifies the already incredibly difficult situation you are in. It’s hard enough, let's not make it even harder on ourselves! 

Whether these thoughts lightly drift into your mind or harshly bombard you over and over, practice labeling this as a thought. It is not true, it is a thought you are having. It is not good or bad, though it may be unhelpful and painful. “That is a thought, I am not my thoughts”.

I will never judge someone for how they are existing in grief. You are bearing the unbearable, and it is messy and awful and you don’t always have to do it “right”. These are suggestions, not dogma, in the end (minus hurting yourself or others) do what you need to do for yourself.

2. Get Reflective

Ask yourselves these questions- “What do I really want to do this year?” And the follow up, “what is important to me to do this year?” If what you really want to do is lay in bed but it’s important for you to spend time with certain people, then you have some negotiating with yourself to do. If you want to stay home and watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy (octagon-ology? I have no idea how many movies they have) and it is important to you to care for yourself and intentionally not spend time with people, then you have a clear plan.

People might not like your plan. They might not understand it. And that’s okay. We may have to push ourselves harder if we have small children, but if you are concerned about how the adults in your life will handle your plan, remember this: it is just for this holiday, not forever, and you are not in charge of their feelings. They can have their feelings, they can miss you and be confused and upset and angry, but it’s not on you to change that for them. Again, you have enough you are dealing with, try not to add to it.

Because something is going to be hard may or may not be enough of a reason to avoid doing it. I am not in your shoes, I don’t feel your pain, I will not tell you what you should push through. I am however floating the idea that all of this will be painful, though that will not be the only emotion. What are you saying yes to, not because there is no pain but because the entire experience, including the pain, is worth it? 

3. Be Creative

Just because you do the same thing over and over and over again for the holidays, doesn’t mean you need to keep doing it. What is important to you to keep and what is filling you with apprehension that you can change? Perhaps the religious service with family is important for you to attend but the big family dinner after feels too overwhelming. You could attend the service and skip the family dinner. You could attend the family dinner and have a self care plan for it, such as taking breaks during or bail out early or spend as much time as possible with one quirky and lovable relative. You could attend the service and then invite everyone to go play laser tag afterwards. Family gatherings don’t have to be on a certain day or involve certain food or activities. You have the freedom to release yourself from what you are dreading and embrace something new.

4. Honoring Loved Ones

While this is so hard, if you are acknowledging and learning to live with grief, you probably like to talk about the person (or pet) that you lost. It’s a mixture of pain and love and it keeps them close to you. By doing a certain special act in their name, you are connecting with your loved one while also acknowledging that this year is different, that someone who should be here is not. 

Would you like to eat their favorite food? Set a table setting for them? Play their favorite game or listen to music they enjoyed? Do you have pictures of them on display? Do you toast in their honor? Do you want to get them a gift or write them a letter? No matter how weird you may think it is, as long as the act acknowledges the reality of their loss but brings you a sense of love and comfort, it is healthy.

If you have kids, include them in these activities. Ask them for ideas on how to remember their loved one. Kids are not too small to grieve, and letting them talk about it and express it in creative ways is healing.

5. People Grieve Differently

One of the most painful added elements of grief is when others don’t acknowledge the loss. Everyone grieves differently and is at different points in their grief at different times. Some remain stuck at the beginning of grief, the pain is too immense, their fear of being lost in the pain is so strong that they can’t touch it. They don’t like to talk about the person they lost, they don’t even like to think about them.

Oftentimes these people have a very complicated relationship with their emotions. Perhaps in their earlier years they were controlled by a mood disorder or experienced trauma that led them to fear their emotions, their emotions thus becoming associated with danger. Or perhaps they are one of the many who were taught not only that emotions didn’t matter, but that they were bad. They have never had practice feeling emotions and their carefully constructed walls can’t handle yours. They might change the subject when you talk about your loved one, or get visibly uncomfortable around your tears. They may be giving you the message that your feelings are not helpful/productive/appropriate, and that you should really get over/speed up this whole grief thing. 

These people are (probably) not assholes. More likely they have been confined throughout their lives to their own narrow existence that is cut off from their emotions, which is terribly sad because if you can’t feel you can’t live fully. You might be incredibly angry or hurt by these people in your life and that’s valid. And try to keep in mind that it (probably) isn’t an intentional act to hurt you or ostracize you. In fact, it has little to do with you.

Imagine going through life when something happens and you hit this glass wall. You didn’t know the wall was there, you couldn’t see it, and hitting it hurt. You realize that you are actually surrounded by glass walls, and if you move too much you will continue to hit them and be in pain. So, better to not move, and stay in one narrow space. (The glass walls are emotions, was that clear?!) It is possible to break down these walls and expand their world but that is their journey and you have no control over it.

Try your best to manage your expectations with these people in your life. Reframe the goals of your interaction from a shared emotional connection to a neutral yet possibly pleasant interaction. And seek your emotional support from others who can hold your feelings.

6. Bonus Tip- Share the Love

Grief is a startling reminder that life is short. That there is no promised time line. That everyone will in fact die. That knowledge is terrifying, and in a strange way, freeing. Allow yourself to stop fretting about the things that don’t matter, at least for a little while. Release stress, and obligation, and never ending tasks. Hug your kids, your dogs, your friends, your partner, your parent etc. for a few extra seconds. Text someone in your life and tell them how much you appreciate them. Look someone in the eye and say you love them. Do you want to go do the dishes or do you want to play or chat or laugh with those you love?

It can be a lot of pressure to try to enjoy all the moments. You don’t have to love every minute and every interaction of every day, especially on a holiday, but you can look for those moments and be intentional around creating them or letting yourself have them. Be present in the moment.

There is no meaning in someone’s death. And, in time, no rush, we can gradually make meaning in our daily lives. 

Remember that you were loved, and are loved, and deserve to keep loving and living fully.

Wishing you happy (moments on) holidays.