Lessons from Both Sides of the Couch: 7 Strategies from a Therapist (who is also a client) on Maximizing Therapy Benefits

Therapy can be really beautiful. It can help us feel seen and empowered, and take steps to change our lives and heal past wounds. It can also be REALLY overwhelming and stressful to start the therapy process, especially if you haven’t tried it before or have tried therapy and it didn’t go well (I’m so sorry if that has been your experience, keep trying, it can be better!)

Therapy begins by being open and vulnerable in a safe space, and while I have learned a lot about the therapeutic process while sitting in the therapist chair, I have also learned so much from being the client. Gone are the days when we expected therapists to be impersonal experts, and now we are realizing that therapists have a lot of knowledge and compassion, and just as many struggles and inner demons as the next person. 

Try applying these seven strategies to maximize your therapy experience:

hand reaching out to other hand

1. Acknowledge How You Feel About Therapy In The First Place 

I have a confession to make. I don’t like starting therapy. I love and value therapy for other people, but have a real hard time with it myself. I am resisting the urge to shame myself for this, it’s something I’m working on.

I begrudgingly realized it was time to start up therapy again, and while I had a good working relationship with my previous therapist I wanted to go in a different direction. I found a therapist who specialized in the type of therapy I wanted and what first stood out to me when I met her was that I didn’t like her office. I fixated on the furniture and the decor and found myself thinking that I did not need therapy from someone whose chair wasn’t angled but instead faced straight toward the client couch. Also, I wanted a chair option.

I voiced my complaints to a few friends, waiting for them to confirm that I indeed did not need therapy and obviously didn’t need to continue with this current therapist. Shockingly, the response I got was “you should talk to your therapist about that, sounds like a you issue”. Rude! After I got defensive but noticed I kept getting the same response, I took some time and realized that I am scared to be vulnerable with a therapist. My past therapy had been more focused on solving a specific problem or with a particular goal in mind, this time I was just trying to figure myself out. And it was hard and uncomfortable and part of me didn’t want to do it. But another part of me valued the importance of self awareness and doing “the work” so I kept showing up. And I eventually fessed up to my therapist that I struggle in therapy and have a hard time being open. After that I never fixated on the office furniture again and I noticed I started emotionally getting more out of therapy.

2. Identify and Share How You Are Feeling Before and After Therapy

Usually love going to therapy but are now dreading it? Preparing in advance on exactly what you are going to say? What's that about?

Elizabeth Olsen, green blazer, on talk show saying she loves talking about her feelings in therapy

Just left therapy and can't stop thinking about the thing you said or did, or what you wish you would have said? Let your therapist know! Often times saying the thing that is spiraling in our brain is the way to get it to calm down (trying to ignore it doesn't work so great!) I once had a lot of feelings after therapy, journaled about it, and then emailed my therapist to ask her to ask me about what I journaled the next time we met. Why? Because I knew in two weeks I would forget it or it wouldn’t feel important, but deep down I knew that it was. 

Also, quick practice to enhance benefits, journal after therapy, even for a few minutes. It helps you highlight what stood out to you and what you want to remember.

3. How Do You Feel About Your Therapist? Do You Feel Supported and At Times Gently Challenged? Are You Looking For More Support, Guidance, Confrontation? Share This. 

I hear this from people a lot, “my last therapist was good but didn’t ____________ enough”. Some people want more direct feedback, some people need more homework assignments, some people want more suggestions, some need practical tools, some need to just vent and don’t want homework or tools. I’m not here to judge what you want out of therapy. What I view as therapy “success” doesn’t matter, what matters is how you are feeling about the process. So if you need more of something, say something.

The therapist may agree, or they may hear you and say they don’t practice that way, or hear you and offer feedback “is it possible that extra homework would fuel your perfectionism”? Who knows, but I bet a good conversation would occur. This leads us to the next item.

4. Therapy is Practice For Other Relationships in Life

Among other things, therapy can be practice for how to deal with circumstances in our other relationships. Therefore, you get the opportunity to practice saying what you need. If you have questions about what is happening in therapy, ask. If it’s hard for you to share uncomfortable emotions with others but you know your therapist is a safe person, try it. If something hurts your feelings, say it. If you are ashamed of something that you did or was done to you, release it. This is part of the magic of therapy, when we share something that we feel shame or guilt or fear around, and are met with the therapist’s response of empathy and compassion. That is healing. And can be a great foundation for increasing our standards for how we are treated by others and setting boundaries.

5. Your Therapist is Human and Makes Mistakes

And since therapy is a practice, and is relational, you get to say if something the therapist does angers you or hurts your feelings. We therapists are not perfect, we make mistakes. I recently made a scheduling mistake that impacted someone else. I felt horrible because I never want a client I see to feel like they and their time are not valued. I took accountability and I apologized and tried to provide space for any of their feelings.

If things like this happen to you I encourage you to share how it makes you feel with your therapist and see how they respond. You also get to decide if the therapeutic relationship feels repaired or if you don’t want to continue in the relationship anymore. You and your time and your energy and your story and your money are all important and you deserve to invest them in a relationship that is not perfect but is safe and worthwhile.

6. If You Are Stressed About Money Talk About That With Your Therapist

Times are tough right now, and financially are going to get tougher. Rent goes up, people lose their jobs, cars break down etc… Money is a really hard thing to talk about for people, and again lets practice having those hard conversations! If part of your emotional energy is worrying about paying for therapy but you aren't acknowledging it, it's impacting your capacity to be fully present in therapy.

Donald Duck, empty coin purse

I have experienced as both the client and as the therapist negotiating session fees and pausing therapy due to finances. Let's see if we can come up with a plan that benefits everyone. If we can’t create a plan that works for everyone I want to give you resources to continue getting support with your mental health that may work better with your financial situation.

7. Closing Therapy

As a therapist I like some advance warning that the client is ready to pause or stop therapy so that we can create a good plan moving forward. I also want to share concerns and praise, and say goodbye. As a client though I have totally just not returned to therapy, usually because I’d been contemplating if I needed to keep going and then life circumstances just happened and I never rescheduled. If this is how you do it that is ok. You are not in charge of the therapist's emotions, you get to do what is right for you! You can also reach back out to your therapist at a later date if need be, they aren’t mad at you! Clients returning to therapy after a break is really common, sort of like an “emotional tune up”.  I am always excited to see returning clients, or even get an email saying they are doing really well. 

Hope this helps, Happy Therapy!